on taking up space

Taking up space. There’s something about this idea that is both exhilarating and frightening to me. Normal, yet extraordinary all at the same time. I would say I don’t often think about it, but in a job where most people don’t look like me and in a world where people see me as less than for doing nothing other than existing in a brown face I have to think about it. More importantly, I have to embrace it, this taking up space.

Now, if you have yet to read my post on my favorite foods I ate in France this would be a good time to take a beat and read it so you can catch up for this discussion. For all of us, taking up space is not just necessary in one aspect of our lives. It’s showing up in our families, friendships, careers, schools, neighborhoods, even simply walking down the street. If you’re anything like me, it’s easier for you to take up space in some ways over others.

I like to go under the radar. Hugely impossible as the only black woman designer at my job, so I embrace it and bring my full self to work. What I’ve found is that my taking up space as a black woman allows others to do the same and stand in who they are. It’s a gift I never even realized was occurring until someone thought to thank me for it. So I try to keep that in mind on those occasions when I want to retreat, when it seems easier or more advantageous to not take up the space I rightly deserve to occupy.

One thing I haven’t yet mastered is taking up space with my body. And yes, I just said how I take up space and it helps others. But I mean in a different way. Sure, I strut in my office with Beyoncé playing, push for the news to be diverse and representative of the people who will be reading it, but there’s always something missing.

In between all that.

The little subtle things- the walking down the hall with my audible non-thigh gap, eating up food that smells of blessed seasoning and delight, and listening to what I need over what others may suggest. While I have no desire to develop an asinine piece of space between my legs, I hate the noise. Not so much the noise, but the fact that it’s perceivable by others. That’s because I don’t always like taking up space, but if I’m making noise walking down the hall or my fragrant food meets your nose I’m noticed in a time I’d like to stay under the radar.

So that means sometimes I just may not eat. Not there anyway. Which probably only makes me more noticeable as the gastric juices in my stomach betray my desire to stay silently working. So I remind myself that just like me eating a baguette in the streets of France while everyone continued their lives, likely no one will care. As I’ve been bothering friends with versions of this story for months I’ve always been more than aware of how it sounds.

It sounds like I need to get it together.

And that’s exactly what I’m doing, embracing the space I take up in all areas and facets of life. It doesn’t come easy all the time, so I’m guessing that one day soon it won’t go exactly as I plan, but this month and every month after I’m determined to stretch myself and try.

That’s my goal for May- stretching myself in every possible way. Challenging behaviors and idea that are no longer serving me, stretching physically in new exercises and embracing everything I know about myself until I am confidently taking up all the space I deserve. How are you taking up space today?

happy reading,

kacie micole